By playing the victim, the narcissist not only gains sympathy but also keeps the real victim silent and miserable in despair.

Do you have a friend who seems to understand your emotions, sympathizes with your pain and joy, but then always makes every conversation about themselves? If so, you may be dealing with an empathic narcissist. Although not an official medical term, empathic narcissists have the ability to recognize and feel the emotions of others, and then use those emotions to control and manipulate situations to their liking. This may seem contradictory – how can a narcissist, known for his selfishness and lack of empathy, possibly understand the feelings of others? It is this contradiction that makes empathic narcissists particularly dangerous. The problem is not that they are incapable of empathy, but that they have low levels of empathy, especially when it comes to emotions.

Perverse empathy in narcissists

Empathy is often divided by psychologists into three aspects: 1. Emotional sharing: This is the ability to feel what others are experiencing - like feeling happy when a friend is happy. <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; text-align: justify; letter-spacing: 0px;">2. Perspective-taking: The ability to understand another person&#39;s perspective and mental state - such as understanding why a friend is sad, even if you don&#39;t feel sad yourself. <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; text-align: justify; letter-spacing: 0px;">3. Compassion: A feeling of deep concern and a desire to help - such as feeling the need to comfort a friend who is suffering. These elements often combine to create a comprehensive empathic response, blending emotional resonance, cognitive understanding, and a compassionate desire to help. But for narcissists, empathy doesn&#39;t work that way. According to a 2023 study published in Frontiers in Psychology, people with narcissism have difficulty actually “feeling” other people’s emotions. However, they are able to “understand” those emotions (cognitive empathy). This means they can recognize that someone is in pain but not feel that sadness.

Empathy does not determine how it is used.

Empathy does not automatically determine what it will be used for. It can be a bridge to social cohesion and open the door to cooperation, but in the hands of a narcissist, empathy can become a tool for manipulation and personal gain. The following two reasons will help clarify why this happens. Using emotions to manipulate and gain control Narcissists are not above using empathy to gain the trust, support, and even loyalty of others. By pretending to understand and share the deepest feelings of others, they build a false sense of closeness that gives the impression that they truly care. But once this bond is established, they begin to reveal their true nature: manipulation and control. They may exploit intimate details shared during their victim’s weakest moments to guilt trip or control them later. This tactic allows the narcissist to maintain power, while the victim is left feeling confused and betrayed. Narcissists may initiate a new relationship with romantic gestures such as expensive gifts or sweet words of affection. They know exactly what makes their partner feel special and use this to create a strong emotional bond. But once they have secured their position, they will suddenly withdraw, leaving their partner completely dependent on them for approval and love. Compliments and affection are no longer expressions of love, but tools of absolute control.

Play the victim Not only do narcissists use false empathy to manipulate, but they also skillfully play the victim in situations where they themselves are the perpetrators. They manipulate other people’s perceptions, making people feel sorry for them and side with them, while attention is diverted away from their own toxic behavior. A 2020 study in the journal Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation explored how narcissists manipulate relationships with those around them. This tactic shifts the focus of the relationship to themselves, making the narcissist’s needs and emotions the center of attention, making the real victim invisible and less likely to get the support they need. The consequences of this subtle manipulation and emotional abuse are devastating. Those who have been the target of these psychological games may face trust issues, low self-esteem, and fears of being taken advantage of in future relationships. By playing the victim, the narcissist not only gains sympathy but also keeps the real victim silent and miserable in despair. Photo: Sirui Ma, Seulgi, linda_shin

How narcissists use empathy to "manipulate" the emotions of others

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